Third Time's A Charm?

So... this is the third time I have resolved to start blogging. Again, I hate that I can't consistently keep up with this endeavor. My hope is that the third time's a charm. I woke up this morning and realized why it has been so impossible and how I might be able to change my previous inconsistency.

Here are a couple reasons I was not posting:

1. My intentions were impossible to accomplish.

I think that most all of us want people to think that we are awesome, to have a better impression of ourselves than we know we actually are. Of the people who want this, I am the worst. I want you, whoever you are, to think that I have something great to say, something inspiring or something valuable to know about life and God and love. And well, I don't. I know it sounds ridiculous that I want this, but I do. I need to be honest about that. I have some deep screwed-up part of me that wants your validation and approval as a human being and I guess I had some sick idea that I was capable of deceiving anyone who reads this blog or who knows me.

So, I stopped blogging for awhile because I had nothing to say that would make you think I am valuable. Ridiculous, I know. I have been in a lifeless place, one that I'll give a look into below, one that I unintentionally put myself in. I have not been abiding in the Giver of life, of my life. So... how could I possibly be inspired for life if I am not going to the One who originally inspired me... literally, who breathed life into me?

2. I treat God like the guy at a toll booth. Really.

I hate saying that so everyone can see it because I know I am being vulnerable, real and authentic... and not in a pleasing way. If I were being authentic by saying awesome things about God and me and our life together... that would be easy. However, I'm not. And, like I said above, I want you to give me value because of who I am. Well, since I am, slowly but surely, learning that you aren't the one who is going to create value in me... I suppose it's time for me to stop trying to impress you. About the guy at the toll booth, though...

I often ask people to draw a picture of their relationship with God using words. People say all sorts of things in response to that request, but I have found it to be an awesome way to get to know someone and see where they are. (I didn't come up with the question... a friend of mine in college asked it to me once... and it stuck.) I asked myself this question this morning and the first thing that came to mind was that He is like the guy at the toll booth. I have tried to convince myself of other pictures of God and me, but it's not happening.

This is why I have drawn this picture:
• I drive up to see Him, throw some money in a bucket, spend a couple seconds saying, "Hey" but never put the car in park.
• I coast through the booth with my foot tapping the brakes, inconvenienced that I had to slow down and not understanding why my future journey should cost anything.
• I don't spend the time to get to know Him. And, He doesn't know me as intimately as I could allow Him to.
• I pay my dues... but don't think much about it. I don't let it change me.
• I don't learn from Him about what's coming up and how I should be on my way.
• I don't thank Him for being there or for preparing the road ahead.

It's pretty bad if you think about it. Now you know why I haven't been blogging. It would seem pretty lame to write a book about going through the same toll booth every day with nothing ever changing.

After I thought about all of this when I woke up this morning, and after being thoroughly disgusted with myself, I began to think forwards. How can I allow my picture of God and me to change for the future? What SHOULD that picture look like?

The answer I came up with is found in Psalm 91. I would suggest reading the whole thing, especially the end. The verse that sticks out for me, though, is verse 1. This is what I want my picture of God and me to look like:

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

Isn't that beautiful?

I want that verse to be about me. Another version says that "he ABIDES under the shadow of the Almighty."

What if I chose to DWELL and ABIDE in Him?
What if I let Him INSPIRE me, GIVE ME LIFE?
What if I chose to let Him MAKE ME VALUABLE, instead of everyone else?

What if we all did?

So... what does your picture look like... of you and God?